A Story of Love and Loss

WARNING: I'm hijacking my own blog just for today with a very different tone. This is not a diy, adventure, or recipe post and will likely be a bit emotionally charged.  This is real life, my heartbreak and how I got through.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day this year!  After church our whole family went out to the coast and chased waves, collected seashells, played on the dunes, and nibbled saltwater taffy.  But leading up to it, I've really felt the pang of separation from my babies who didn't make it.  Some dear friends of mine have recently shared with me their stories of loss in one form or another, and even in the hardest times, it was those shared stories that I found comfort in, so I've decided to post mine here in the hopes that another person will find that they're not alone and there is hope for joyful days ahead.

About a year after we had moved to Alaska, we decided we were as ready as we were ever going to be to have a baby!  We were so excited, and sure enough, I got pregnant so fast!  Yes, this was going to be a breeze.  We told everyone immediately.  Not that that would have changed anything, but we just had no clue there was even a chance of anything going wrong.  But less than two months in, I started cramping, then bleeding.  I was so scared and rushed to the ER where I met my husband.  They did a bunch of tests, but it was obvious.  Our child was no longer with us. 

Before I get to my reactions, let me just go on to say that not long after this I had my healthy pregnancy with our boy.  But then when we were ready to try again, I had two more miscarriages before our beautiful girl came into our lives.  The doctors refused any treatment of any kind unless I had three miscarriages in a row.  Anything else was considered normal.  Normal!  That still confounds me!  But statistically it's true, one in every 3-4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage!  I just had no idea and had rarely even heard of anyone going through this let alone someone I was close to.

The first was by far the worst just because of the shock.  There was a baby crying down the hall  in the ER and I simply couldn't bear it!  I was ill and my blood pressure sky rocketed.  Unlike many women I have talked to since, there was no physical pain for me.  But my heart was searing like nothing I'd ever experienced.  I had no idea how much I could love someone that I'd really never had a chance to meet.  But he was my baby!  Did it hurt him?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it my fault?  It was agony.

I tried to go to work in the morning, but I simply could not hold myself together.  I had always felt like I was very strong and in control of my emotions.  But not now.  I could feel the sorrow, anger, bitterness growing and I hated feeling that way!  I begged God to make it right.  WHY!?  I questioned everything.  How could He let this happen!?  Is He really good?  I guess those are always the questions when things aren't going well. 

I am ashamed of where my heart was, now looking back.  I was beside myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do from my more minor trials before this.  I (made myself) read His Word and reminded myself of who Jesus had already shown Himself to be in my own life.  He never gives up.  He turns the bad things of this world into good things.  He uses our brokenness to bring life.  He lost His Son.  He knows suffering.  He loves more than I can comprehend.   He is good. 

My pain didn't (and still hasn't) go away.  It's part of me.  But God never gave up on me through this horrendous storm and saved me through it.  I knew my heart was in jeopardy at that time, and God chose to save me again, like He always does!  And slowly I was able to live again.  Our dear children in life are just that much more miracles, but I do still miss my little ones in heaven and anticipate the day I can hold them in my arms. 

Then I had to explain to all my sweet family and friends who were excitedly asking me about my pregnancy that it was over.  I felt guilty because they were so loving that it caused them pain as well.  Wow, I feel so blessed just to be able to write that.  There were many who didn't know how to respond at all because, like I had been, they never known about anyone who had lost in this way.  I can say that the simple "I'm so sorry" and "Is there anything I can do?" are by far the best if you don't know.  And just to give me time to not be okay.  But then I was shocked and comforted by all of the women who told me they really understood because they had gone through the same thing!  Some much farther along in their pregnancies.

A few more  thoughts that were not necessarily comforting, but certainly made me think outside of the grief bubble I was in.  The first was that God is so much bigger than time or space and knows all.  Perhaps He was saving the child from something horrible?  We just don't know.  The other was shared a little after I had recovered, but it was a reminder that this is a world with sin in it.  I know there are differing opinions, but I just see this world as a place that, since "the fall" where mankind chose to disobey God, continues to fall deeper into sin (death).  And no action is without consequence, whether we recognize the correlation or not.  Like I said, not comforting, but just makes me long for heaven that much more.

So, as you can tell, I went through this feeling like my biggest battle was a spiritual one.  Medically I was basically told, "Bummer for you, but it's normal.  Try again soon."  It felt so heartless to the life of the children I'd lost.  I do believe that taking progesterone early in my pregnancy helped (though I had to fight tooth and nail to get a prescription for it, because I was still normal, right?)  That and make sure my firstborn was weaned.  I know it's not supposed to make a difference, but with "old" moms like me, some research has shown that it can (Mayo Clinic alludes to it, but also an interesting article here.)  Oh!  And if you're Rh negative, make sure you get the rogham injection after a miscarriage or your body could build up activated antibodies that could then go on to attack future pregnancies.  Words of advice from someone who's been there.

Takeaway: You're not alone, but it's not "normal" nor how it was supposed to be.  If you've lost a little one, please don't suffer alone!  You are loved and you can find joy and purpose again! 

A friend of mine who is no stranger to the pain of loss just wrote this beautiful piece about losses of women and I wanted to share it with you.  Please check out Trena's blog, Forever Blessings.  Also, huge list of helpful links, stories, and encouragement on Amateur Nester

(Note: I chose to keep this a photoless post as I have no photos to share of my beloveds in heaven)

Expecting Joy (and Nausea): Morning Sickeness Gift Basket

Havin’ a Baby!  (Morning Sickness Basket)

 

 

Worth the Morning Sickness!

 

No not me! =)  My dear friend just, JUST found out they were expecting baby #6!  Wow!  So excited for them! With so much joy, she’s also experiencing the common morning sickness (though you wouldn’t know it by looking at her!  That woman has endless energy!)  Those of you who’ve had to deal with that know it’s miserable, especially when you want to be soaking up life and cherishing every moment!

 

Eagerly Expecting

I’m going to insert a little excerpt of my first pregnancy here so you know where I’m coming from.  I should clarify.  My first successful pregnancy.  My very first pregnancy was a couple months prior and (this never stops hurting!) our first baby went to heaven in the second month.  But, to encourage you who are having morning sickness, it usually means that your baby and your body are progressing healthily!  So when I started feeling “off” a couple months later, I took a negative home pregnancy test.  A little discouraging, but I understood these things take time.   But a couple weeks later, I started crying profusely at a TV episode about the Iditarod (I’d almost NEVER cried at any movie!) and Josh said I should retest.  Sure enough!  Our little guy already had a beating heart by the time we were even sure he existed! 

What joy and excitement!  And then came the morning sickness, gradually progressing through the first couple months, then intense until the last couple.  I ended up feeling sick nearly the entire pregnancy and actually had hyperemesis gravidum (extreme morning sickness) with my first.  I lost more weight (25 lbs) though the second trimester than I gained in the whole pregnancy.   Even sounds could set it off!  It was so weird!  I couldn’t even listen to some of my favorite music because it made me so nauseous!  Anyway, raw ginger was the only thing that would touch it.  I would seriously chew on it raw.  Now the idea of that nearly makes me sick! =)  When it reached the clinical level, I did accept a prescription medication for a couple months so that I could continue working and maintain a healthy pregnancy.

He arrived!

There are a lot of suggestions out there about how to ease the symptoms of nausea, but they can have different effects on different individuals, even different pregnancies!  I was only minimally nauseous with our daughter and I only threw up once (and that was on a very turbulent, windy jet landing in Seattle!) 

So in putting together a little basket for my friend, I definitely wanted to include ginger, and I found a recipe for homemade ginger ale sweetened with honey to include.  You know, to whip up in all her spare time.  Yeah, I’ll throw in some pre-made, too.  =)  Just want to make sure it has real ginger in it.  Many brands now don’t.   I got ginger capsules that some pregnant friends swore by, but they didn’t touch my nausea either pregnancy.

Peppermint, my other lifesaver, is also a must.  Peppermints are good, but sometimes just the sweetness is counteractive in this case.  Peppermint oil is very helpful.

Have you ever tried acupressure?  I feel like it made a dent in the nausea sometimes.  Was it just a mental change?  Possibly, but whatever works, right?  Pressing two fingers against the indent of the inner side of your wrist (just before your thumb) can be helpful.

Fresh or frozen lemon can alleviate the symptoms of morning sickness, also.  To use the whole thing, cut a small slice from an end to suck on, then place what you don’t use in a day in the freezer and keep slicing off pieces as you need them.

Cold: while it was winter in Fairbanks, it was so nice just to be able to step out on the porch for a breath of fresh air.  When that’s not available, a cold pack around the back of your neck can really help!  These can later be used as heat packs for any painful cramping! I found this easy, inexpensive pattern for one from Satsuma using dollar store socks!

Breathe and try to relax: anxiety can increase nausea

Finally, hydration.  This can be super hard when anything at all in your stomach makes you want to hurl, but as much as you can, keep yourself hydrated.  Sucking on ice chips or taking tiny sips seems to help.

What have you found to be most helpful in alleviating morning sickness?  Any other ideas for the next basket?

Note: this was written some time back, but I am revising it for another friend currently expecting!