A Story of Love and Loss

WARNING: I'm hijacking my own blog just for today with a very different tone. This is not a diy, adventure, or recipe post and will likely be a bit emotionally charged.  This is real life, my heartbreak and how I got through.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day this year!  After church our whole family went out to the coast and chased waves, collected seashells, played on the dunes, and nibbled saltwater taffy.  But leading up to it, I've really felt the pang of separation from my babies who didn't make it.  Some dear friends of mine have recently shared with me their stories of loss in one form or another, and even in the hardest times, it was those shared stories that I found comfort in, so I've decided to post mine here in the hopes that another person will find that they're not alone and there is hope for joyful days ahead.

About a year after we had moved to Alaska, we decided we were as ready as we were ever going to be to have a baby!  We were so excited, and sure enough, I got pregnant so fast!  Yes, this was going to be a breeze.  We told everyone immediately.  Not that that would have changed anything, but we just had no clue there was even a chance of anything going wrong.  But less than two months in, I started cramping, then bleeding.  I was so scared and rushed to the ER where I met my husband.  They did a bunch of tests, but it was obvious.  Our child was no longer with us. 

Before I get to my reactions, let me just go on to say that not long after this I had my healthy pregnancy with our boy.  But then when we were ready to try again, I had two more miscarriages before our beautiful girl came into our lives.  The doctors refused any treatment of any kind unless I had three miscarriages in a row.  Anything else was considered normal.  Normal!  That still confounds me!  But statistically it's true, one in every 3-4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage!  I just had no idea and had rarely even heard of anyone going through this let alone someone I was close to.

The first was by far the worst just because of the shock.  There was a baby crying down the hall  in the ER and I simply couldn't bear it!  I was ill and my blood pressure sky rocketed.  Unlike many women I have talked to since, there was no physical pain for me.  But my heart was searing like nothing I'd ever experienced.  I had no idea how much I could love someone that I'd really never had a chance to meet.  But he was my baby!  Did it hurt him?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it my fault?  It was agony.

I tried to go to work in the morning, but I simply could not hold myself together.  I had always felt like I was very strong and in control of my emotions.  But not now.  I could feel the sorrow, anger, bitterness growing and I hated feeling that way!  I begged God to make it right.  WHY!?  I questioned everything.  How could He let this happen!?  Is He really good?  I guess those are always the questions when things aren't going well. 

I am ashamed of where my heart was, now looking back.  I was beside myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do from my more minor trials before this.  I (made myself) read His Word and reminded myself of who Jesus had already shown Himself to be in my own life.  He never gives up.  He turns the bad things of this world into good things.  He uses our brokenness to bring life.  He lost His Son.  He knows suffering.  He loves more than I can comprehend.   He is good. 

My pain didn't (and still hasn't) go away.  It's part of me.  But God never gave up on me through this horrendous storm and saved me through it.  I knew my heart was in jeopardy at that time, and God chose to save me again, like He always does!  And slowly I was able to live again.  Our dear children in life are just that much more miracles, but I do still miss my little ones in heaven and anticipate the day I can hold them in my arms. 

Then I had to explain to all my sweet family and friends who were excitedly asking me about my pregnancy that it was over.  I felt guilty because they were so loving that it caused them pain as well.  Wow, I feel so blessed just to be able to write that.  There were many who didn't know how to respond at all because, like I had been, they never known about anyone who had lost in this way.  I can say that the simple "I'm so sorry" and "Is there anything I can do?" are by far the best if you don't know.  And just to give me time to not be okay.  But then I was shocked and comforted by all of the women who told me they really understood because they had gone through the same thing!  Some much farther along in their pregnancies.

A few more  thoughts that were not necessarily comforting, but certainly made me think outside of the grief bubble I was in.  The first was that God is so much bigger than time or space and knows all.  Perhaps He was saving the child from something horrible?  We just don't know.  The other was shared a little after I had recovered, but it was a reminder that this is a world with sin in it.  I know there are differing opinions, but I just see this world as a place that, since "the fall" where mankind chose to disobey God, continues to fall deeper into sin (death).  And no action is without consequence, whether we recognize the correlation or not.  Like I said, not comforting, but just makes me long for heaven that much more.

So, as you can tell, I went through this feeling like my biggest battle was a spiritual one.  Medically I was basically told, "Bummer for you, but it's normal.  Try again soon."  It felt so heartless to the life of the children I'd lost.  I do believe that taking progesterone early in my pregnancy helped (though I had to fight tooth and nail to get a prescription for it, because I was still normal, right?)  That and make sure my firstborn was weaned.  I know it's not supposed to make a difference, but with "old" moms like me, some research has shown that it can (Mayo Clinic alludes to it, but also an interesting article here.)  Oh!  And if you're Rh negative, make sure you get the rogham injection after a miscarriage or your body could build up activated antibodies that could then go on to attack future pregnancies.  Words of advice from someone who's been there.

Takeaway: You're not alone, but it's not "normal" nor how it was supposed to be.  If you've lost a little one, please don't suffer alone!  You are loved and you can find joy and purpose again! 

A friend of mine who is no stranger to the pain of loss just wrote this beautiful piece about losses of women and I wanted to share it with you.  Please check out Trena's blog, Forever Blessings.  Also, huge list of helpful links, stories, and encouragement on Amateur Nester

(Note: I chose to keep this a photoless post as I have no photos to share of my beloveds in heaven)

DAISY Chain Craft Fair!

Happy (belated) Easter friends!  I'm terribly sorry I've been a bit absent lately, but I've been thinking about catching up every day!  There has been a lot of behind-the-scenes type work going on around our house lately, and I'm so excited to share it with you!  As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm going to be setting up my first craft fair booth at DAISY Chain's 2nd Annual craft fair in just a couple weeks.  Today I want to give you an idea of what I've been working on for my little table! 

 

 

Art Print Cards!  From several of my larger pieces, miniaturized, folded, inscribable, and givable.

 

 

Baby and Toddler Skirts!  My daughter wants to wear a comfortable "dancing skirt" all the time and these are such a joy to make.  My fabrics and trimmings are often from my multigenerational stash (thanks Mom!) and vintage, upcycled sources, but always thoroughly cleaned beforehand, of course.  

Bandana Bibs!  Little ones can produce an illogical amount of drool, especially while teething, but they can sure look cute at the same time!  I love the look of these little bandana style drool bibs and tried to incorporate more absorbent fabrics into these.  I have both regular and slouchy (shown) styles.

 



I also have a variety of winter and summer bonnets, candles and magnets. There are also many more styles and designs of each, this is just to give you an idea  And who knows what else I might get a hankering to whip out before the big weekend! ;)

It was so hard to decide what to focus on, but this is the direction I've decided to take for my first show.  I'm a little giddy through all this prep, and I truly hope if you're able to make the trip that I'll see you there!  April 9-10 from 12:00 - 4:00 pm at 1244 Lawrence St. in Eugene.  Look for my sign (it will hopefully be slightly more embellished by then):

Expecting Joy (and Nausea): Morning Sickeness Gift Basket

Havin’ a Baby!  (Morning Sickness Basket)

 

 

Worth the Morning Sickness!

 

No not me! =)  My dear friend just, JUST found out they were expecting baby #6!  Wow!  So excited for them! With so much joy, she’s also experiencing the common morning sickness (though you wouldn’t know it by looking at her!  That woman has endless energy!)  Those of you who’ve had to deal with that know it’s miserable, especially when you want to be soaking up life and cherishing every moment!

 

Eagerly Expecting

I’m going to insert a little excerpt of my first pregnancy here so you know where I’m coming from.  I should clarify.  My first successful pregnancy.  My very first pregnancy was a couple months prior and (this never stops hurting!) our first baby went to heaven in the second month.  But, to encourage you who are having morning sickness, it usually means that your baby and your body are progressing healthily!  So when I started feeling “off” a couple months later, I took a negative home pregnancy test.  A little discouraging, but I understood these things take time.   But a couple weeks later, I started crying profusely at a TV episode about the Iditarod (I’d almost NEVER cried at any movie!) and Josh said I should retest.  Sure enough!  Our little guy already had a beating heart by the time we were even sure he existed! 

What joy and excitement!  And then came the morning sickness, gradually progressing through the first couple months, then intense until the last couple.  I ended up feeling sick nearly the entire pregnancy and actually had hyperemesis gravidum (extreme morning sickness) with my first.  I lost more weight (25 lbs) though the second trimester than I gained in the whole pregnancy.   Even sounds could set it off!  It was so weird!  I couldn’t even listen to some of my favorite music because it made me so nauseous!  Anyway, raw ginger was the only thing that would touch it.  I would seriously chew on it raw.  Now the idea of that nearly makes me sick! =)  When it reached the clinical level, I did accept a prescription medication for a couple months so that I could continue working and maintain a healthy pregnancy.

He arrived!

There are a lot of suggestions out there about how to ease the symptoms of nausea, but they can have different effects on different individuals, even different pregnancies!  I was only minimally nauseous with our daughter and I only threw up once (and that was on a very turbulent, windy jet landing in Seattle!) 

So in putting together a little basket for my friend, I definitely wanted to include ginger, and I found a recipe for homemade ginger ale sweetened with honey to include.  You know, to whip up in all her spare time.  Yeah, I’ll throw in some pre-made, too.  =)  Just want to make sure it has real ginger in it.  Many brands now don’t.   I got ginger capsules that some pregnant friends swore by, but they didn’t touch my nausea either pregnancy.

Peppermint, my other lifesaver, is also a must.  Peppermints are good, but sometimes just the sweetness is counteractive in this case.  Peppermint oil is very helpful.

Have you ever tried acupressure?  I feel like it made a dent in the nausea sometimes.  Was it just a mental change?  Possibly, but whatever works, right?  Pressing two fingers against the indent of the inner side of your wrist (just before your thumb) can be helpful.

Fresh or frozen lemon can alleviate the symptoms of morning sickness, also.  To use the whole thing, cut a small slice from an end to suck on, then place what you don’t use in a day in the freezer and keep slicing off pieces as you need them.

Cold: while it was winter in Fairbanks, it was so nice just to be able to step out on the porch for a breath of fresh air.  When that’s not available, a cold pack around the back of your neck can really help!  These can later be used as heat packs for any painful cramping! I found this easy, inexpensive pattern for one from Satsuma using dollar store socks!

Breathe and try to relax: anxiety can increase nausea

Finally, hydration.  This can be super hard when anything at all in your stomach makes you want to hurl, but as much as you can, keep yourself hydrated.  Sucking on ice chips or taking tiny sips seems to help.

What have you found to be most helpful in alleviating morning sickness?  Any other ideas for the next basket?

Note: this was written some time back, but I am revising it for another friend currently expecting!

Puppy Party!

We celebrated Fynn's first year with one of his favorite animals: dogs!  His clancey was the only real dog there, but the theme was fun.  We had...

Hot dogs, of course,

Puppy Chow,

"Pup" corn,

"Pup" Cakes,

and "Leashes!"

Fynn loved his decorations, too.  His eyes got all wide and he kept pointing to everything.  And, as expected, the baloons were a hit, too.  Such fun celebrating his arrival into our life!

One Year Old!

I'm a whole year old!  My birthday was on the first, but we celebrated on Saturday because we had some other stuff going on.  Poppa told the mine he wouldn't work so he could celebrate with us!  Some of my friends came over for my Puppy Party.  I sure wish I could have had everyone over, it was so much fun!  This is what it looked like.

So here's what's new with me:

I've taken a few steps, but am pretty shaky still.  I get around great with crawling!

I love to toss ball back and forth with Momma, play with trucks, play the piano and guitar, take things in and out of containers, and love to ride on my rocking horse, Copper.

I talk a lot, but my most recognizable words are Mama, Dada, cat, dog, fish, and chicken.

I want to eat whatever Momma and Poppa are, and enjoy spitting my food out as much as I do tasting it!

Most of all I love being outside!  I cry whenever I have to go in.  The only bad part is the mosquitoes.  I'm building up a strong tolerance.

 P.S. here's my birthday present:

Laudable Lessons

1. I do not have the coordination to drink anything while rocking Fynn in his chair.  Eventually I'll learn to pause the rocking, take sip, resume rocking.
2.  It's the things that aren't toys that make the best ones.
3. I wonder how many times God has heard the prayer, "Oh, Lord!  Please just help him sleep!"
4. Puppy kisses on the face and eating rocks really aren't the end of the world.
5. Not proud of my falls, but it's true what they say: babies bounce.
6. Josh and I have become infinitely more goofy this past year.  It's worth every giggle!
7. Food items are better discovered with your hands, but non-food items should be immediately popped into your mouth.
8. Crackers are for smashing!
9. When trying new finger foods, the dog becomes an invaluable vacuum cleaner!
10. This too shall pass.  And then you'll kinda miss it.

Kauai

Wow, it's been awhile.  A long while!  So much has happened since I last posted, it seems!  I'm not too ambitious today, but here's aquick run down of our Hawaii trip.  The nutshell: awesome!  The heat did us good.  Fynn and I were recovering from a nasty bug (I got a temp of 105 and he had had trouble breathing...yikes!)  And Fynn did just awesome with the actual travel!  Something about take off just put him right to sleep and he wouldn't wake up until we landed.  Made a 17 hour, 3 legged trip much more tolerable.

It was great to spend some time with Josh's family and for Fynn to meet his Uncle Kevin, all of whom he loves!  I loved watching him as he discovered an unfrozen world!


The sand...

 The ocean...

Hiking in the rain forest...

On a boat...


 Meeting new friends...

Trying new foods...

Finding new plants with green leaves...

 Oh the discovery!