A Story of Love and Loss

WARNING: I'm hijacking my own blog just for today with a very different tone. This is not a diy, adventure, or recipe post and will likely be a bit emotionally charged.  This is real life, my heartbreak and how I got through.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day this year!  After church our whole family went out to the coast and chased waves, collected seashells, played on the dunes, and nibbled saltwater taffy.  But leading up to it, I've really felt the pang of separation from my babies who didn't make it.  Some dear friends of mine have recently shared with me their stories of loss in one form or another, and even in the hardest times, it was those shared stories that I found comfort in, so I've decided to post mine here in the hopes that another person will find that they're not alone and there is hope for joyful days ahead.

About a year after we had moved to Alaska, we decided we were as ready as we were ever going to be to have a baby!  We were so excited, and sure enough, I got pregnant so fast!  Yes, this was going to be a breeze.  We told everyone immediately.  Not that that would have changed anything, but we just had no clue there was even a chance of anything going wrong.  But less than two months in, I started cramping, then bleeding.  I was so scared and rushed to the ER where I met my husband.  They did a bunch of tests, but it was obvious.  Our child was no longer with us. 

Before I get to my reactions, let me just go on to say that not long after this I had my healthy pregnancy with our boy.  But then when we were ready to try again, I had two more miscarriages before our beautiful girl came into our lives.  The doctors refused any treatment of any kind unless I had three miscarriages in a row.  Anything else was considered normal.  Normal!  That still confounds me!  But statistically it's true, one in every 3-4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage!  I just had no idea and had rarely even heard of anyone going through this let alone someone I was close to.

The first was by far the worst just because of the shock.  There was a baby crying down the hall  in the ER and I simply couldn't bear it!  I was ill and my blood pressure sky rocketed.  Unlike many women I have talked to since, there was no physical pain for me.  But my heart was searing like nothing I'd ever experienced.  I had no idea how much I could love someone that I'd really never had a chance to meet.  But he was my baby!  Did it hurt him?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it my fault?  It was agony.

I tried to go to work in the morning, but I simply could not hold myself together.  I had always felt like I was very strong and in control of my emotions.  But not now.  I could feel the sorrow, anger, bitterness growing and I hated feeling that way!  I begged God to make it right.  WHY!?  I questioned everything.  How could He let this happen!?  Is He really good?  I guess those are always the questions when things aren't going well. 

I am ashamed of where my heart was, now looking back.  I was beside myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do from my more minor trials before this.  I (made myself) read His Word and reminded myself of who Jesus had already shown Himself to be in my own life.  He never gives up.  He turns the bad things of this world into good things.  He uses our brokenness to bring life.  He lost His Son.  He knows suffering.  He loves more than I can comprehend.   He is good. 

My pain didn't (and still hasn't) go away.  It's part of me.  But God never gave up on me through this horrendous storm and saved me through it.  I knew my heart was in jeopardy at that time, and God chose to save me again, like He always does!  And slowly I was able to live again.  Our dear children in life are just that much more miracles, but I do still miss my little ones in heaven and anticipate the day I can hold them in my arms. 

Then I had to explain to all my sweet family and friends who were excitedly asking me about my pregnancy that it was over.  I felt guilty because they were so loving that it caused them pain as well.  Wow, I feel so blessed just to be able to write that.  There were many who didn't know how to respond at all because, like I had been, they never known about anyone who had lost in this way.  I can say that the simple "I'm so sorry" and "Is there anything I can do?" are by far the best if you don't know.  And just to give me time to not be okay.  But then I was shocked and comforted by all of the women who told me they really understood because they had gone through the same thing!  Some much farther along in their pregnancies.

A few more  thoughts that were not necessarily comforting, but certainly made me think outside of the grief bubble I was in.  The first was that God is so much bigger than time or space and knows all.  Perhaps He was saving the child from something horrible?  We just don't know.  The other was shared a little after I had recovered, but it was a reminder that this is a world with sin in it.  I know there are differing opinions, but I just see this world as a place that, since "the fall" where mankind chose to disobey God, continues to fall deeper into sin (death).  And no action is without consequence, whether we recognize the correlation or not.  Like I said, not comforting, but just makes me long for heaven that much more.

So, as you can tell, I went through this feeling like my biggest battle was a spiritual one.  Medically I was basically told, "Bummer for you, but it's normal.  Try again soon."  It felt so heartless to the life of the children I'd lost.  I do believe that taking progesterone early in my pregnancy helped (though I had to fight tooth and nail to get a prescription for it, because I was still normal, right?)  That and make sure my firstborn was weaned.  I know it's not supposed to make a difference, but with "old" moms like me, some research has shown that it can (Mayo Clinic alludes to it, but also an interesting article here.)  Oh!  And if you're Rh negative, make sure you get the rogham injection after a miscarriage or your body could build up activated antibodies that could then go on to attack future pregnancies.  Words of advice from someone who's been there.

Takeaway: You're not alone, but it's not "normal" nor how it was supposed to be.  If you've lost a little one, please don't suffer alone!  You are loved and you can find joy and purpose again! 

A friend of mine who is no stranger to the pain of loss just wrote this beautiful piece about losses of women and I wanted to share it with you.  Please check out Trena's blog, Forever Blessings.  Also, huge list of helpful links, stories, and encouragement on Amateur Nester

(Note: I chose to keep this a photoless post as I have no photos to share of my beloveds in heaven)

Color Technique: Muslin + Crayons?

Whew!  I realize this post has been almost a year in coming!  I first hinted at this technique almost a year ago when we made a banner for the lemonade stand!  I love how this turned out and have had so many people compliment it. (P.S. It still looks great after wintering outside!)  This technique is one my mother taught us when we were very young and I still have some of the pieces we made.  It takes the lowly crayon to a whole new level!

So without further ado, the muslin crayon technique:

Materials:
Muslin fabric in desired size
Crayons
Permanent Markers
Scrap fabric

Technique:
I like to sketch out my design in pencil first and then go over it with the permanent marker so I know it will turn out how I want it.  You also may choose to place a design from another source under the fabric and trace it on.  Really the permanent marker is optional, but it really helps with definition. 

Color in as desired with the crayons.  After you are completely finished coloring, place a piece of fabric (I use an OLD, thin towel) over the colored side of the art and iron through.  The color may dull or bleed ever so slightly and will likely stain the scrap piece.  And you're done!

Just in the last year we've used this technique for banners (lemonade and craft fair), wall hangings to be framed, and a pillow case!  The possibilities are endless!  I've not yet tried this technique on clothing that would be washed frequently, but if you do would you let me know how it goes?  These have made some fun gifts and the kids love getting involved with it, too!

Breathtaking

As spring is fully displaying it's wonders right now, I'm reminded of this truth often.  In every brilliant blossom and nursing newborn and wonder we stumble across...

"Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way, say nothing and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it?  I did it just for you."  ~Max Lucado

Waste Not Fruit Leather

 Are you guys getting this crazy heat!?  88 degrees in April just seems surreal!  I used to LOVE the sun, and it couldn't get too hot for me, but now I'm afraid Alaska has ruined me.  I feel like I'm melting as soon as the mercury hits 80 and I'm more than a little concerned about this upcoming summer!  But, oh!  The blooms!  The variety of plants that are thriving in this climate never ceases to astound me.  My neighbor threw some lilac boughs on the burn pile yesterday because she had to thin her tree out a little, but I couldn't bear it!  I had to rescue them and brought them all in the house! =)

We've had a lovely week of exploring gardens, wading in creeks, and shooting with friends.  Not to mention catching tad poles and filling up the kiddie pool!  Our little lady has decided that while we're out and about, her snack of choice is an apple.  Not slices, no, the whole thing.  And that's all well and good except, she gets it to where it is just beginning to look polka-dotted with her tiny little bite marks and then she decides she's done.  Even on her best day, she'll eat off all the skin but doesn't want to eat the flesh.  But I'm pretty okay with it because of my latest technique for using what we have. 

Last summer we made a lot of smoothies with unfinished bits of fruit, but this spring I've been taking it a different direction.  Like I've said before, good fresh fruit was difficult to come by in Fairbanks, so it pains me to see it go to waste!  So lately, I've taken the leftover bits and pieces and throwing them into the blender, then in my dehydrator to make fruit leather.  This is so easy!  I only have one tray right now, so my blender half filled with puree will then fill my dehydrator tray just about perfectly.  As. Kadee mentions in her post Oh So Delicioso, the right consistency comes from patience and spreading it so it's just thicker than transparent.  In the dehydrator set to 135, this will take about 6 hours to fully dry. But keep checking on it as you get close because different combinations are going to take different lengths.  It should feel fairly dry to the touch. 

And flavor combinations are endless!   Right now, mine usually involve some apple and banana, but I've been adding in melon, orange, and blackberries.  I did a couple adding a spoonful of honey or sweetened jam, but it certainly wasn't necessary.  I even did one that was about half Greek yogurt!  It was really tasty!  This is another place to sneak in some well paired vegetables as well, like cucumber, spinach and carrots.  I've snuck them all in! =) 

So far this spring, I haven't had a batch last more than a day.  The young 'uns eat it like candy, it's easy to make and easy to grab on the go!  My next batch is going to be blackberry watermelon.  What other concoctions could we come up with?

Note: our family shares our own germs, but if you're making this to share outside of immediate family, I recommend using non-nibbled fruit! =)

Recovery (Fair Review and New Game: Pong Hau K'i!)

Alright folks, climbing back in the saddle after a wild rodeo of a weekend!  But it sure was fun!  As I mentioned before, I've been a bit absent of late prepping for GWMC's first craft fair!  It was very small, but I made a handful of sales and met some really wonderful people!  Thanks to all of you who stopped by or had a hand in the behind-the-scenes work!  I can't imagine having done it without you (certainly not without a few more silver hairs to add to my crown ;)

All in all, I felt pretty prepared (thanks to some Pintrest hints).  Maybe a little too prepared.  I may have diversified excessively, but I think it worked out in the end.  I sold everything from skirts and bibs to notecards to fudge!  One item that caught all the children's eyes were these little game boards with flat marbles as game pieces.  I'll be honest, Josh and I broke them out during some of the slow times, too!  But so easy to make and I wanted to share the idea with you!

You can get these tree rounds at a craft store, but they can get a little spendy.  Josh just took a branch that had been trimmed from one of our trees and went at it with the chain saw!  I was really quite impressed with how narrow he was able to get them!  I'll have to remember that for future projects! =)  After a light sanding, I did some quick straight lines with a wood burner, but I'm sure you could accomplish the same effect with a permanent marker.  Then seal with a layer of matte clear coat!

I'm fairly certain everyone knows how to play tic tac toe, so I'm not including instructions.  Though my four year old and his buddy had a pretty interesting version of it that I'm sure they'd love to teach you if given the chance =)  But I found this other small board game from China called Pong Hau K'i that I thought was really fun!  The idea is that to players each have two pebbles.  They take turns placing them one of the intersections or corners.  They then continue to take turns moving to the open space with whichever pebble can go there by following a line until one player is unable to move.  So you try to trap your opponent onto one side.  Video instructions from "What Do We Do All Day."  I really enjoyed learning something new and simple to play and I hope you will, too! 

DAISY Chain Craft Fair!

Happy (belated) Easter friends!  I'm terribly sorry I've been a bit absent lately, but I've been thinking about catching up every day!  There has been a lot of behind-the-scenes type work going on around our house lately, and I'm so excited to share it with you!  As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm going to be setting up my first craft fair booth at DAISY Chain's 2nd Annual craft fair in just a couple weeks.  Today I want to give you an idea of what I've been working on for my little table! 

 

 

Art Print Cards!  From several of my larger pieces, miniaturized, folded, inscribable, and givable.

 

 

Baby and Toddler Skirts!  My daughter wants to wear a comfortable "dancing skirt" all the time and these are such a joy to make.  My fabrics and trimmings are often from my multigenerational stash (thanks Mom!) and vintage, upcycled sources, but always thoroughly cleaned beforehand, of course.  

Bandana Bibs!  Little ones can produce an illogical amount of drool, especially while teething, but they can sure look cute at the same time!  I love the look of these little bandana style drool bibs and tried to incorporate more absorbent fabrics into these.  I have both regular and slouchy (shown) styles.

 



I also have a variety of winter and summer bonnets, candles and magnets. There are also many more styles and designs of each, this is just to give you an idea  And who knows what else I might get a hankering to whip out before the big weekend! ;)

It was so hard to decide what to focus on, but this is the direction I've decided to take for my first show.  I'm a little giddy through all this prep, and I truly hope if you're able to make the trip that I'll see you there!  April 9-10 from 12:00 - 4:00 pm at 1244 Lawrence St. in Eugene.  Look for my sign (it will hopefully be slightly more embellished by then):

Trail Etiquette: Hiking with Children

Some of my happiest memories all through my life have been on a trail of one sort or another and I'm so thrilled to begin to share that with my children.  For many trails, there are outright laws that direct behavior while exploring, while there are some courtesies that can be applied to all.  Most of them are common sense or perhaps even regional, but I'd like to share my thoughts on trail etiquette, especially with children

Happy!  I will be so goofy for that grin!  Hiking at Chatanika, AK

1. Be friendly!  Greet those you pass!  This is how we used to pick out newbies or "city folk" growing up!  Haha!  (Sorry city folk, I know some of you can be outdoorsy, too! =)  Hiking can be hard.  Be nice.  And don't forget to warn of any dangers (wildlife, path degradation, etc.) ahead.  Or go the extra mile and say something encouraging!  On one of our last bigger hikes, my son was struck by how encouraged he was on our way up by one man who simply told us how much farther we had to go.  So he told every single person we passed on our way down about how far thy had left!  This might be excessive for an adult to do, but it's a nice thought!

I believe this was Fynn's first serious hike (3 mo.  6 miles to Kennecott Mines, AK)  Doesn't he look happy!? =)

2. Yielding the path.  I know the general rule is just for those going down hill to yield to those going uphill, but with very young hikers, we pretty much step aside for everyone.  It's okay to get passed.  We all get to where we're going at our own pace.

Nov 2015, McKenzie River, OR

3.  A group only goes as fast as their slowest hiker.  Basically, stay together.  Of course differing opinions on this, too, but isn't the point of going on a hike together to be together?  There's always a little straggling or speeding, but our general rule is to stay where we can all see each other.  And I find for us it works well to just let the kids pick the pace.  Yes, there's lots of stopping, but that's when I see the most learning happening.  It's not all about the destination. 


Studying a snail.  Sweet Creek Falls, 2015



4. Staying on the trail: most public parks employ this rule, but I would say the best excuse to break that would be to relieve oneself.  Lets face it, with little ones, potty breaks aren't always predictable and usually quite urgent.  Just remember to have them go at least several yards off the trail, 200 feet from water, and to bury anything solid (especially toilet paper!)

Kauai 2013

5. General public trail respect.  Pack your garbage out.  Don't vandalize.  Don't feed the wildlife nor try to get too close to them.  Don't pick the flora, the exception being an emergency.  Though I have also picked edible plants that were growing in abundance along the trail itself for grumpy hungry children.  But in these cases I follow the forager rules of only picking what you need and leaving more than enough for the continuing of the growth.  Interesting article on public land foraging regulations along the Pacific states (and BC) at Wild Harvests.

Valdez, AK 2011

And here's my rule that I've pretty much tossed out the window: be quiet.  Maybe it isn't perfectly courteous, but I have children.  They're outside and excited and wild adventurers.  They're not going to be quiet.  I know people go hiking to get away from the noise, and to them I do apologize.  I know it's going to scare off the wild life.  But right now, they are the wild life!  I can't tell them to use their inside voices.  Right now, being quiet outside is only for hunting. 

Darlingtonia Wayside with my parents, 2015

As you've probably already gathered, I can be a bit of a rule breaker at times, and I feel like so many of the "rules" are situational and dependent on the time and the trail.  Just some things to think about, though.  There are lots of great trail etiquette posts out there like this from Melissa Farage  and another from North Cascade Hiker.  Happy hiking!

Silver Falls, 2015